I Have a Brown Thumb

Spring 2010 - The day after I planted. It looks great, but won't last very long.

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I had a green thumb.

I don't know what happened to it. All I know is that I don't have one anymore.

I miss having a green thumb.

I have two nice porches, one in the front and one in the back. The front one is where I do a lot of writing in the spring and for part of the summer. The front porch is about 35 feet long and 8 feet wide. It faces north east, catches some morning sun and is in shade the rest of the day. It's a perfect summer porch.

The logical thing to have in such a large, shady space is lots and lots of flowers. You know, fragrant herbs, trailing plants, big blooms in vibrant colors and plants that attract humming birds, butterflies and assorted cuteness. Big pots, little pots, window boxes and converted containers over-flowing with endless flowers, just like in all the garden magazines.

Only in my dreams, I'm ashamed to say.

Every year I start with high hopes. This year I'm going to be good and water every day. So, I buy a bunch of plants, potting soil and so forth, always with the very best of intentions.

Every year, I kill a bunch of plants. Last year, I even killed a bunch of Aloe Vera – a relative of the cactus.

I'm a hopeless brown thumb with a porch lined with pathetic pots of stunted, wilted, colorless weeds.

When we moved in, we had a deck that baked from morning until after noon. The only shade was an umbrella over a table. I spent very little time on the deck – complained that we needed a roof over it to make it a porch. It took a couple of years, but we got the roof. It made a difference on the entire house, an unexpected plus. I immediately moved outside, started putting up plants…and killing them.

At first I blamed it on no water spigot up front. I had to carry water from the house, so of course I lost a few (dozen) plants. So the next year I got a water barrel. It gave me more confidence, but it became a brothel for mosquitoes. I dropped a couple goldfish in the barrel, which took care of the mosquito brothel.

The plants still died – because I couldn't remember to water them every day.

After years as a plant serial killer, I was going to give up, put in silk flowers and dare the neighbors to notice.

Instead, I made a small investment.

More about that later – I've got to track down my camera.

Badlands' Rescue - FREE April 12th

In the spirit of the Fighting Irish - I'm offering the story of Ellie O'Grady, retired Army Captain on a rescue mission. She needs her ex-husband, Daniel "Grady" O'Grady to get her to the Badlands' mesa where their son's plane crashed. There's a blizzard coming, time is running out.

Ellie is the kind of woman who isn't afraid to put her ex-husband into an icy horse-trough to get his co-operation.

She's got her secrets, though, and Air Force Captain Evan Smith expects her to keep them.

The thing is, can she keep the two alpha-males from killing each other long enough to rescue the survivors?

I must admit this was a lot of fun to write. I laughed at Ellie's predicament, I hope you do, too.

Badlands' Rescue Amazon USA

Badlands' Rescue Amazon UK

Rush Has No Advertisers? Awww!

Saw it yesterday - the Official Voice of the GOP hasn't got enough advertisers to fill the next two weeks. His bosses at Premiere Radio have thrown open all his spots to local ad because everyone else has fled.

In fact, it was reported there was 5 minutes of DEAD AIR (complete silence) on his home show. That's right, not even enough 10 second or 30 second spots to keep out the flow going.

What a victory for women!

Yeah, he still ran his mouth about 'Nags' and other female-centric insults. But the proof is in the dead air, because radio will do ANYTHING to avoid silence. But they didn't even have enough Public Service Announcements to fill the time.

So, to all the FemiNazi's like myself who complained to advertisers, filed FCC complaints, and generally raised Hell with the Official Voice of the GOP - pat yourselves  on the back, ladies. We've put the old boar's balls between a rock and a hard place and squeezed until Rush, Premiere and Clear Channel all squealed like the cowardly swine they are.

Now, if the GOP has any collective intelligence at all - they will tip-toe as far from Rush as they can get - so the smell of dead, blasted ego doesn't get on them.

Because, ladies, we have won a Great Victory. Any time a celebrity is taken to task by a pissed-off public, those who fawn on said celebrity will desert him like rats from a sinking ship.

Pulp Fiction Classics

Edgar Rice Burroughs - 100 years ago the author of 'Tarzan' published 'A Princess of Mars.'

The link leads to a much better story on ERB than I could write.

I'm currently reading the series, and I'm amazed at how well it holds up. Unlike 'Tarzan,' which reads like a racist nightmare, John Carter is a fun read.

Squeal Under the Heel, You Swine

There's one bad thing about women - we take a lot of shit from people who should know better. You know who I mean, not friends and family (though they are often guilty) but certain celebrities, and politicians.

One in particular has gotten his short-hairs on fire this week - Rush Limbaugh.

He's opened his mouth, yet again, and like the Shock Jock Imus before him, riled up a bunch of women.

Women don't like to be called 'hos', 'sluts' or 'prostitutes' when we are being responsible and respectable. That's enough to get any man into hot water.

But when Rush called for 'sextapes of women using birth control' - that was simply obscene. The thought of that fat slug drooling over decent women having responsible sex with their loved ones - that was more than enough.

Like thousands of other women, I hit Face Book, Twitter and the blogs to find first his sponsors, then my senator, congressman, the FCC, Premiere Radio and Clear Channel.

Next week, hmmm, I'm going to see which targets are vulnerable for attack. But I think we've got that pig on the run - I'm smelling blood and am looking forward to hearing him squeal under the heel of the FCC.

What too many men forget (but all women know) is that as the 'weaker sex' women tend to co-operate in order to get things done. The downfall of Imus was the death knell of the Shock Jock. He insulted a basketball team of young women - but Rush - Rush got every woman in America whose EVER used birth control and called for them to be videotaped like criminals. THEN to have that video tape sent to HIM.

Oh - that is so goddamn obscene!

Yep - like hundreds of thousands of women - I saw red, I smelled blood - and when I found out I wasn't the only one - I jumped at the chance to cut him down to size. And Rush is going to be a very small man when the women are done with him.

I don't get this GOP War On Women - but once these idiots started chewing into Women's Rights to Health Care and responsible birth control - it's only a matter of time before they make all forms of birth control illegal.

Why the hell would ANY man do something so stupid? Do they really want the consequences of no birth control beyond 'putting an aspirin between your knees' - seriously?

Only an idiot like Rush Limbaugh would do something so stupid...but Rush appears to be running the GOP - still.

No wonder the GOP isn't able to get a serious candidate in this election.

If - and this is a BIG if - Romney WAS a moderate and was allowed to RUN as a moderate he'd would have a shot with Independent voters. But as is - he's running in a pack of fools and making himself look just as stupid as Santorium. (Though both are behaving with more intelligence than Newt.) So no sane person can vote for him.

I'm convinced the silencing of Rush the Roach will bring sanity back to the GOP. This boycott is not just for 100% of the women who gag at the thought of Rush watching sextapes - but for National Security ( and Sanity) as well.

I'm going to put on my Warpaint and sharpen my spear - there's pork on the menu tomorrow.